life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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