I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
