the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
