When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
