I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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