Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
