Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
