i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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