yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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