just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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