im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
