I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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