My cat gives me a boner
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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