Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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