I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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