Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
