I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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