when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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