I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
