You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
