Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
