Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
