If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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