The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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