How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
