My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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