I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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