I wish I could teleport
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
