You're like the curious george of whores
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
