when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
