My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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