im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
