wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
