my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize