I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
