we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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