it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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