She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
