next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
