i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
