So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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