I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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