Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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