I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
