I met the friendliest cop last night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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