I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Houston, we have a blender
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
