Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
