he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
