so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She told me I should be a condom model.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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