i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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