If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
