DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
