There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
