I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
