Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize