you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
God, I missed his penis.
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