I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize