I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
