Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
