first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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