so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
