I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize