I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
