i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
