Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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