Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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