Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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