The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We were destined to go to rehab together
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
