you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
