My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
