Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
