I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
